breathing thoughts

I knew it all along. It was in me. 

Just the same fresh summer air that crossed January as I make my way down the road.

At far sight, through the sea of people, that familiar figure stood, welcoming me.

Each step nearing you, each step reverberated with the beat of my heart.

My vision cleared, as I focused just on that one figure.

To finally see you clearly right in front of me.

Beneath the summer sun shining through that crested your angelic face,

you smiled.

That tiny lopsided smile that nobody does it better than you do.

I could not help but smile too.

From your jet black, messy fringe to your deep set eyes 

and that roman nose with the smile I missed so many days,

a heavily set body suited properly, tired from a day work,

and you left with a wave.

I could not bring myself to see you go.

I am sorry.

I knew it, again. It was all written in my story, in my memory.

Humans are all flesh and bones.

How about soul? 

Don’t you ever think about the pain?

Don’t you see the tears?

How about the broken bones and stretched flesh?

Don’t you ever hear… her voice lost in the air?

The body and mind of different world as it crawls to grab your feet and cripples you before it sinks into your blood and turn it cold.

The invisible hammering down your ribcage to the chambers making beat harder to pass it off.

Each touch that reaches the soul grasps every ounce of guilt that runs everywhere in you to your brain till the window sill where it is just left hanging at the creek.

The voice broken, crying ever so silently for deliverance, desperate for help but nobody is there.

The show is over, just skins and bones fumbled on the ground like an abandoned coat stepped by unknown feet.

Finally over, but it hurts so much that the earth could possibly hold. Have you heard it?

To the new followers, welcome! :) I don’t really update my tumblr frequently but I hope you still stay :)

A year full of unexpected changes, important messages. A year that passed a little too fast than the others. A year I really found true joy and friendship. The months we spend hidden in books, building friendship and knowledge. Crying over split milk and climbing back up. Backing up the peers, believing in them. Hand in hand, just believing and trust. The days I was finally free from them. With no baggage, with my nightmare locked away. Where I found myself, adapting, to change for the future. Where I found true joy and laughter with them. The hours I spend thinking about a special someone who change me at the later part of the year. Someone I thought I met since forever. A little tinge of sadness that lingers brought along with some bittersweet memories A little doubts and questions that I’d never ask. You had a part in me, but do I? Just another day to another year. Some may take it for a better year, higher challenges Some may just take it as another. Another years makes it two for this little space, but the space that contain little snippets of me. A place where I sharpened my thoughts and pour to. How to move on, to carry on, to let go I haven’t thought of it neither I wish or I may don’t.

From days to months to what felt like years.

I thought I could let it leave. Yet deep down, I still find you there. A closed untreated memory.

Still finding or waiting for a day I could let you free. Let me free.

How long would it take?

Might have a change of url soon. If you guys have linked me on other blogs, please keep a look out for a link change yeah.

There I go again, I placed myself at the place you used to sat. I could almost smell the cologne you wore that rub against my sleeve. I listened to the same song when we sat together. I closed my eyes, just wishing when I open my eyes, you would be beside me with that smile I missed a lot.

Why does every december seem so blue? The weather would fit the mood of the down. It seemed like every season have their theme. I reach for the cold droplets trickling down to earth, felt like the blood in me. Icy cold. Tainted pale cheeks stained with hot scalding tears that no body would see because I refused.

I apologize to those who cared for me Because I focused blindly.

Yes, it was just a random day.

But a day I thought I could catch you.

The time running out, it seemed slow but fast.

I sat just a distance away from you, separated by rain.

Heavy stormy rain pouring down the roads with loud traffic

and the gushing waters that the moving car passed through.

I could have ran, I just need a one look, one picture in my mind.

I spared a thought for them. 

I would not mind, drenched and sloppy, smudged eyes soggy clothes,

‘you were only silently waiting at the other side.’

Time - if I could borrow some time of yours,

if you had not left just what I thought would have been minutes and seconds.

I missed that one chance.

I still ran though, I could not wait for the rain to stop.

I heaved through my heavy lungs and came down to warm breathes 

the rain set in my eyes, that did not stop me.

Yes, I ended up like what I have told.

I knew where you were, just right around that edge of the corner.

I braced myself to walk, after all I ran for you.

The more steps I took, the courage in me started to escape.

I was losing it, I screamed in my head, please don’t leave.

It seeped away, fully, when I reached the edge of the corner.

‘I can’t do this.’ 

misplaced footsteps replaced the tapping of rain on the shelter,

paced back and forth and eventually gave my best.

It was too late.