February 2012
13 posts
Imagine
Words seem as boring as they are, black and white.
But every word you wrote, you speak of gave me reasons.
I like to see in my mind, how you squeal to joy laughing and beaming like a joyful
little boy, how I can picture when you are tearing in the isolated room silently
when I wished I could be there.
How I know your face gave a grim , emotionless expression.
I wished I have seen them...
relative
A long lost relative. a friend, a sibling.
I don’t find the reason why not to trust me.
The reason to distance me, you can try not to tell because it’s sort of hurting.
I’d know you always be there for me, I can try , I give my best though.
I want the best for you too.
But you may think else wise, I don’t know.
I maybe over thinking, but I don’t wish to lose one...
unreachable
you are everything, the unreachable, unthinkable,untouchable, unreadable.
I am strangled by the fact no matter how hard I try to be with you, to be at least
nearer to you, I get bundled by numerous obstacles.
Nobody seemed to understand that point.
I can forgo the money, the time , the sick feeling in me, my reputation, going to that place
with a slim chance of meeting you but I still tried.
...
insomnia
The moon seem to shine too brightly, till I could not dream.
Seem like every strand of my hair had went insomnia.
What is the sky thinking of? Is it thinking the same like how I did?
I couldn’t bade goodbye to the sweet memories of yesterday
and let today be a cycle, a rewind.
Who are you thinking of now? Do you feel like how I feel?
stubbornly waiting for who, yet shocked of the fact...
Let's say..
If I didn’t bother to acknowledge the feeling, If I wasn’t trying to start a conversation.
If I was trying to notice your sweet dimples or your messy hair or the beads of sweat
when you rushed or maybe your little jokes.
If I wasn’t trying to think about you caring for me, it was an acknowledgment.
Maybe things won’t look this bad.
If I didn’t try to forgo the...
today.
What I thought , I planned and went.
I sacrificed, for no money is replaceable to you.
In such reality, I waited, patiently.
To see your shadow and you.
What I thought, would it to be an ending in a sweet note
or a beginning for more demands.
I really hoped it would end but it seem like I could trust myself no more.
I tried to slow down time with you as slow as possible.
In far memory, I...
drop.
Some times, I get sick and tired of waiting.
I feel like putting down my frame, my burden and my pride.
Just to find you for a little while, a little conversation.
A little questioning to clear my clouds of doubt.
To be back comfortable with you again.
angel.
You are an angel to me, so near yet so far away.
With a smile that calm, with a temper that fear,
with the fragile frame I would risk to protect,
with the strong front that I would admire.
with an innocence so pure, I would be nothing to you.
A body so hard to embrace, like feathers flown.
But being there touching me, when I braced the hard ground.
I still..
I still have some fragments left unpicked at the bottom of my heart, where some times I am just too scared to pick it up.
Like broken glass, they possibly pierce through my skin leaving deep gashes.
With only one tiny cut, with that one only ounce of courage I mustered to pick it up
because in the end, it will still hurt, sooner or later doesn’t matter.
Like how you didn’t want me...
blank.
I can try to write each detail out.
I can try to stay silent.
I can try to pretend everything is okay.
I can to pretend this is not my diary.
Or maybe I can don’t pretend it is.
I’d try.
I .. can be everywhere but somewhere at the back of the mind lingers the smell of you.
It strikes like a flashing memory, it maybe a bus trip, a place, a song, a you.
I try and try but I...
F.
There were times my life is nothing of a book.
But chapters of profanities. Pages of symbols and numbers.
There were times I can’t try to stay sane,
when all I needed was swearing.
But I feel the sense of guilt towering so heavily, I let it pour.
I cannot try to be that innocent, flowery female
but a heavily pounded with insanity and profanities, dark and dirty
worthless, the scum of...
what can I say?
Too many thoughts in mind.
Too many feelings I don’t wish to register in me.
Too little support from anybody who would really take time
to see me.
Why I can’t be, just me?
Forcing myself to take a further and faster route to a new phrase of life.
But I cannot stay as an adolescent.
I cannot stay as a child.
Too little words to express what is in me.
Insecurity
I get it all the time. Sometimes.
I couldn’t give you what you wanted.
I am rushing to the future to get you what you wanted.
But I want to remain in my present.
I am trying so hard.You may feel the same,
all else compared to me and you.
I may take years, but you are already there.
how long more?
Everything is pulling me down dragging me down
slowing my steps.
Drowning me, you...